Marriage is unfortunately little more than a formality for most modern couples. What was intended to be a sacred covenant between man, woman, and God, is now no more than a cavalier decision to join the ranks of those following the cultural blueprint for civilized life. As people grant casual relationships the perks of marriage, a formal declaration becomes merely a tax write-off that, with the invention of no-fault divorce, carries little weight. When I proposed to Alisha (and subsequently married her), it was with the mutual understanding of the seriousness of the vow we were planning to make and the responsibilities and privileges we would benefit from within our new relationship. As we witness our world racing to the bottom of the pit of immorality, some feel an emergent longing to sanctify themselves and come out of that world. As we embark on our personal journeys to begin or strengthen our relationship with God, eventually our spiritual hunger will overlap with our need for companionship.
When we grow closer to God our priorities align with His, including the desire for us to find a strong Christian to have children with. Walking closely with God and following his commandments helps us respect the commitment of marriage and hold the vow in the high regard it demands. Wanting a healthy marriage and considering the prospect of raising children with someone is a good reason to prepare yourself for marriage, and your expectations of it, before day one. I would consider Alisha and I to be very introspective people who have high standards for personal growth, and we still decided it would be a good idea to pursue some form of premarital counseling. We did one counseling session with the pastor who officiated our wedding and we also worked through some books he recommended. In hindsight, our expectations of the workbooks were confirmed: the books offered no surprise revelations to us and merely served as a fun exercise to learn more about each other and provided opportunities to discuss some practical marriage dynamics we had overlooked. I suspect any couple who are naturally focused on self-improvement would find the same. I would, however, recommend premarital counseling of some form to anyone who wants to improve their relationship and front-load some important conversations. If I were to highlight what I saw as the top five most valuable aspects of these books it would be the following:
- Christian Viewpoint
I’m sure there are many premarital counseling books out there, but I liked having a Christian viewpoint while I was working through the exercises with Leish. There were many opportunities for mini Bible studies exploring how the scripture relates to marriage and to hear Christian perspectives on the husband-wife relationship. - Getting to Know Each Other
Sure, there may be a lot of deep and important conversations to be had when preparing for marriage, but this book has a lot of prompts for simply getting to know your partner. We do a lot of that in the dating phase, but there is so much more about where we come from that I’m sure these books will help you learn about each other. We certainly had fun with this. - Practical Conversations
Who’s going to manage the finances? If the children act up, who can we expect to be the disciplinarian? How do you feel about in-laws visiting? Anyone seriously considering marriage should already be asking these types of questions, but there are many you may have missed. I liked the practical questions raised by these workbooks that sparked conversations pertaining to some simple logistical issues of marriage we had missed. - Setting Expectations
Everyone enters relationships with a lens of infatuation that filters out all blemishes. We look at marriage in much the same way, and that mentality will lead to some disappointments. Marriage has good days and it has bad days—hopefully the good far outweigh the bad—but the important thing is to have the appropriate expectation of what marriage is and what it isn’t. If you have a healthy understanding of the marriage relationship then you will be more likely to succeed. These books have great exercises to readjust your expectations of your spouse and your marriage. - Compromising on Differences
We all want to marry a person who has more similarities with us than anyone we’ve ever met, but we will always have differences. This is where the rubber meets the road. Similarities are where the fun is, but differences can cause problems if there is no accommodation. These books can help people identify differences and then come to reasonable compromises.
To anyone considering marriage and to those looking to deepen their relationship with their spouse, I would recommend both of these books—Alisha and I found them to be suitable road trip companions. At times these books can seem a chore and other times they can be quite enjoyable, but they were no doubt useful tools. As fallen beings, we should take all the help we can get when it comes to marriage, and these resources are a great place to start.
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