I was talking with my wife recently and she shared that she was struggling to forgive someone from her past. Though the obligation she felt as a Christian to forgive this person was weighing on her, she couldn’t imagine forgiving them; they showed no remorse for what they had done and remained steadfast in their ways.

Many Christians focus on the message of forgiveness in the New Testament, but forget the conditions. These Christians believe unconditional forgiveness is beneficial for everyone involved. They will tell you it only takes one to forgive, and that by forgiving we can remove a burden from ourselves. However, God does not forgive in this way, because some people are undeserving of forgiveness.

To be worthy of God’s forgiveness we must show remorse for our sins and actively repent (Luke 17:3). The model prayer includes, “forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.” This might be rephrased, “forgive us our sins that we have repented for, as we have forgiven those who sin against us and repent.” You can bet God isn’t going to forgive us indiscriminately just because we forgave others indiscriminately. Instead, we earn forgiveness by working to turn away from sin and towards God. It is expected that we will sin repeatedly, but if we are genuinely attempting to follow God’s commandments, He will always forgive us. My wife’s transgressor neither showed contrition nor deserved forgiveness, but she was under the impression Christians are called to forgive, regardless. We can look to God’s example and see that this is not the case.

Holding the belief that we need to pardon anyone, no matter what, is a burden oddly similar to harboring hate. If you stew over the memory of someone’s wrongdoing, the hatred engulfs and exhausts you. When you agonize over the choice to forgive a person who is insensitive about their offense, your frustration towards that person wears on you. Whether you bear hate, or feel pressure to forgive someone who is undeserving, both consume energy and take up mental space with recurring thoughts. This rumination will continually put you in a low-level stress response that can have a cumulative effect.

For those clinging to an unreasonable expectation to forgive, this is an opportunity for relief. If someone is undeserving of your forgiveness, you can now put thoughts of them to the back of your mind. Strive to minimize your emotional response triggered by thoughts of the affront. Try to approach acceptance and understanding of the person or action, rather than dwell on their deficiencies, or their offense. Remember to reserve judgement of their heart to God; only God knows their heart, and only He can judge them. Instead, focus on yourself and search for guidance on how to shift your thought patterns. When you can observe thoughts about the incident of their wrongdoing impartially, you will know you have freed yourself from the situation.

The real burden to be lifted from your shoulders is the idea that anyone can do something to harm you permanently. If you believe this, then any offense committed against you can indeed be a weight to carry. Sure, someone can say or do something to hurt us and we might react reflexively in the moment, but beyond that, we are in control. Whether they know it or not, one reason people wrestle with the manufactured dilemma of forgiving the unrepentant sinner is that they want someone else to give them closure. This follows from the shattering of the victim’s assumption that when someone wrongs them, the offender would genuinely say, “I’m sorry.” It’s the way it’s supposed to go, it’s what anyone should do. It’s what you would do. This failure to follow the script of Christian living throws people into limbo—they don’t know how to move on. Now, although this might manifest itself as hatred or frustration, the root of these emotions is the need for approval. The victim is frustrated that they are waiting for a cue from somewhere other than themselves to move forward. And if you’ve been in this situation before, but deny needing the offender or something external to give you closure, then why didn’t you put it behind you more quickly? What was stopping you? There very well may be multiple reasons for this, but all would be just as revealing of your inability to untangle your autonomy from the actions of others.

As we develop healthy boundaries, which separate our internal state from external factors, we become less likely to allow others to harm us permanently and we learn to move on from transgressions more quickly. While it is nice to receive apologies and closure, we should not require the sinner to seek our forgiveness the same as they must earnestly repent and seek forgiveness from God. We have all that we need to put the ordeal behind us. We simply need to make the decision. 

This belief that we must forgive everyone for everything is from misguided Christians making a sincere effort to follow Jesus. However, misinterpretations aside, Jesus does teach us to forgive the repentant and you should forgive anyone you believe is genuinely penitent. Hopefully, this knowledge will free someone from false obligations to forgive, and encourage them to promote the belief that they control their path, regardless of the inevitable transgressions along the way.

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